I originally wrote this as a guest post last year on a website that no longer exists. Now when you search this title with my name, you get a page with some booby women on it. So glad I kept a copy. We will have to share the heck out of this post to get my name associated with THIS page. Okay?
So me and the Mister were watching a recorded episode of Steve Harvey’s new show. This particular show had a segment about five things men notice about women. Steve said that men are “visual creatures” and the five things men notice about us are our hair, lips, nails, legs and our derrière (or onion as Steve put it).
It figures, my biggest asset didn’t make the list.
My nails are short and my hands are YOU-GEE-ELLE-WHY. Thank goodness open toe shoes weren’t fashionable when I was on the dating scene.
I didn’t have a booty back in the day either. After I got married, it took ten years and 25ish pounds to grow one.
When my husband met me, I had long hair. So I suppose that my hair, my lips and my legs were three of the five things that he noticed.
Steve didn’t give much input on the five things men notice; rather the segment advertised products for the five things, such as underwear that would flatten your pooch, lift up and tighten your butt.
I don’t like wearing spank-like undergarments. They aren’t hygiene friendly. It’s like walking around in sneakers with no socks and additionally, it’s uncomfortable being encased in material that doesn’t breathe or allow you to. Then there’s the wardrobe malfunction that occurs when the casing starts to roll down while you are sitting.
Fortunately for me, after 30 days and counting of the Insanity workout I’ve managed to somewhat achieve booty tightening naturally.
Now here’s the thing about the hair... In 1997, I had been growing mine out for my wedding and didn’t cut so much as a dead end. So when I showed up with my three inches shorter newlywed haircut, I had to question if I missed some fine print on our marriage license. I definitely didn’t see THAT attitude coming.
My next major haircut was a 30th birthday present to myself. I had to start preparing my husband for a year in advance for that one. When I turned 37, I said, “Here’s the thing...”, showed him a picture of what I was going to do with my hair and that was the end of the discussion.
Today I’m in an “in between” stage with my hair. I don’t know whether I want it short, long, relaxed or natural. For the most part I keep it wrapped up; a sure fire way to be ignored or teased. My husband calls me Tupac when I wear a bandana. That is NOT a sexy reference.
So I’m going to work on being noticed in a whiplash kind of way...
- Hair - I need to practice not wearing a head scarf so often that people are surprised to see me without one.
- Lips - Carmex is not lipstick. I bought a real tube of lipstick yesterday.
- Nails - There’s not much I can do with my man hands. But I read that if you are going to paint short nails, paint them red. That might girl them up a bit. I might try that.
- Derrière - Keep exercising for the spanks effect.
- Legs - Hike my feet up in some heels that make me walk tall and sexy; not my five year old comfy Clarks that make me slump and frump around.
Here’s the thing.... now all I need is a planned date night for some inspiration.
Who’s with me? What would you do to give your man whiplash?
Kenya G. Johnson/Oct 2012
Yeah whatever - here's the 2013 update:
- I stopped wearing the head scarf everywhere but I put on the gangsta doo rag at sunset. I wore it last Friday to a twitter party.
- I still wear Carmex pretty much everyday. I use the lipstick for church.
- I never did paint my short nails red.
- I quit the insanity workout.
- I got rid of my frumpy Clarks and I was devastated this Spring when I remembered that they were gone. I replaced them with some Crocs.
Here's the thing... I am so married. Ain't nobody got time for all that whiplash stuff.