Survival of the Skittish

It’s not even funny how humid it is this morning. I can’t be motivated to go on a walk in THESE conditions. Especially when I’ve been bitten by a mosquito at the bus stop and walked through a cloud of gnats taking the trash out. I need a bug free crisp morning to motivate me to walk these hips off AGAIN. I’m not always motivated to go to the gym. There is a perfect window of opportunity between grunting Marines slamming weights down and chatty moms that I like to get there. I only need two machines but I want them guaranteed. If I wait, I’ll be in the gym with some old retired Marines and their old wives who probably share my sentiment. The problem is, once my boys are gone, the big one and the little one, I have about 40 minutes before that window is available. So by the time I write this blog and have a cup of coffee, enough time will have passed to go or either say, “Eh, I’ll do it tomorrow”.

This weekend a friend of mine asked me if I thought I could make it on the show "Survivor". Uh H-no. I wouldn’t even survive the cut. I told her I couldn’t survive my back porch without being armed from head to toe with mosquito repellent. And I mean that literally; I’ve been bitten on my face.

Scared of bugs.png

Then I thought, for a million dollars? I COULD absolutely do it if: I could carry my own OFF spray; the kind that doesn’t stink. Yes, I could absolutely do it if I could wear a cute scarf on my head the whole time since I found out this summer that hair gets sun burned too. Wait, if I could use my own shampoo and conditioner so my scalp won’t get itchy, and my essential oils so my hair won’t get crunchy...I could absolutely do it! Could I have bottled water if I promise to only drink it off screen while I take my vitamins? Can I pack enough cans of Planters Digestive Mix to last? I could absolutely do it as long as I don’t have to kill, clean, and cook my food or watch someone do it. I almost hurt myself one time getting away from the television when the "Man vs. Wild" guy was eating the safe parts of a critter and squeezing out the poison. Ewwww!

I’ve survived a few things while my husband was deployed. I survived “attack of the flies” once when I thought it was okay to keep our trash can in the garage. One day there were a few flies. The next day there was an army of them. I survived killing a few of those nasty water bugs that like to make their way into the house. If I had been home alone I would have ignored them and hoped they would find their way back out.

But I had to show my son there was nothing to be afraid of. Though in beating the bug to death with a broom, using rubber gloves and a wad of paper towels to clean it up, I'm not sure I put him at ease. I’ve even survived keeping an eye on a Gecko who appeared in my bedroom...while I phoned my neighbor to come over and get it.

I wasn’t always such a girly girl. I remember in Kindergarten I would ask to wear my cute “spin around dress” every now and then and I promised not to get dirty. Other than that I would be as dirty as Pig Pen from Charlie Brown when my parents came to pick me up. I wasn’t afraid of anything or phased by getting dirty. I used to catch granddaddy long legs and pull them apart to watch their legs twitch. I would burn ants, let caterpillars crawl on my arms, bait fishing hooks and pick those bug carcasses off trees and stick them on my shirt. THEN the switch flipped - right around the time of puberty. One morning walking to middle school it seemed to have rained earthworms (bait). I tiptoed all the way to school totally freaked out.

Here’s the thing....I don’t do bugs and things so I probably couldn't do "Survivor" - not even for a guaranteed one million dollars. Maybe the switch will flip again when I reach menopause and I can atleast go fishing.

Sporadically Yours,

The dictatorship in wearing a crown

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Remembering 9/11

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