CENSORED – NOT FOR MEN!

Now hopefully I have kept the men at bay. The real title is:

Here’s the thing about shoes

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What is it with UPS that they only seem to deliver shoes from Zappos when my husband is home? I’ll check the tracking at 7:00 am and the shoes are out for delivery. If my husband comes home for lunch, the shoes will arrive then.  If he doesn’t get home until 6:30 pm the shoes will arrive then!

Last Wednesday I checked my husband’s schedule. He had a photo shoot on Thursday and probably wouldn’t come home at all until afterwards. A good day to order shoes. The next day when the shoes are to arrive, he calls to tell me he will be home in 30 minutes. I gently question, “How long are you going to be here?” So he comes and goes without a UPS delivery. Whew

My son and his friend were outside playing when UPS pulled up. There were three boxes (one for me). They brought the boxes in the house.  The next morning my son says to his dad, “We had to help mom bring in all these boxes from the UPS man.” Sigh with me.  What makes this a wasted “tattle”, is that I wasn’t even keeping them. The shoes hurt. So I re-ordered the same shoes. Based on how the hurting shoes fit, I ordered a half size larger in one and a same size in wide in the other.

I’m thinking the reordered box would be delivered on Tuesday, hopefully while the big boy was at work and the little boy was at school. But nooooo. UPS delivered on the Martin Luther King holiday. What!? The three of us came home from hanging out and there was my Zappos box boldly sitting on the porch.  Sigh with me again.  So when no one is looking I exchanged boxes. I threw the reorder in my closet and then visibly taped up the other box like I was sending back the box I just got in. Sneaky, I know. Don't act like you've never done that! 

So here is why I have to sneak in my shoes. These are just the black ones (boots and flip flops not included).

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And I don’t like any some of them. The two I just ordered are black, up to date and comfortable. But you can’t explain that to a man. He will never see past all the black shoes you already have. HERE’S THE THING – you can NEVER have TOO MANY black SHOES!

 Here are the new ones!

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So while I am going through my old shoes to get rid of, these are my comments:

#1 What the hell was I thinking? 

#2 Save for a possible Halloween party.

#3 Granny panties.

#4 Too much toes. 

# 5 Dogged out.

# 6 Ewww. Not even in 19 years when I’m 60.

# 7 Dressy pregnant shoes. Ewww.

#8 They are ugly right now but they might come back in style.

#9 Ewww! But they are so comfortable.

#10 OMG these are sooo cute. But they hurt. But they're cute. I am keeping them.

#11 So comfortable. Just wore them yesterday. Keeping them. I don’t care if they aren’t in style.

#12  Marine Corp Ball shoes. Keep just in case.

Here’s the thing… I said, “Not ever again in this lifetime” to a pair and I forgot which ones. I’ve gone through all of my black shoes and I don’t understand why I only see five boxes that I am getting rid of. Inquiring minds – forget about it.

Kenya G. Johnson


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