The Sex Talk...
I know my child would rather I not reveal this but... last week we um, had the talk.
Here's how it all went down.
Just before my son and I were leaving for his football practice, he asked, "Mom, I know we've been over this but how come I don't have a sister?" I said, "I just never got pregnant again." He sat down and said, "Can you explain that?" I looked at the clock and said, "Go put your shoes on, it's time to leave for football practice."
I thought maybe that diversion would distract him for a couple years. I mean we just had the Santa talk a few months ago after he lost a tooth. Did we need to talk about sex too? Like now?
My facebook friends said yes you do.
So we're on the way home from practice and I bring up his question from earlier. I asked him if he knew how a girl gets pregnant. I explained that boys have sperm and that girls have eggs. He asked if the sperm was like a germ. Then I thought, how far should I go with this?
Then I said, "The sperm and the eggs have to mix together to make a baby and sometimes you just have one chance." Then I wasn't sure that I needed to say anything about hard it was to get pregnant.
I was doing this all wrong.
He asked, "How do the eggs and sperms get mixed together?" I said, "Do you know the word sex?" He raised his eyebrow and asked, "In the good way or the bad way?" I kind of giggled. I said, "What is the bad way?" Then I thought, I should have asked what is the good way?
He fumbled over his response and said, "Well what is the s-word all about? Did daddy have to kiss you and that's how you had me?" I thought, geez we've got a long way to go. How far should I go? He's only nine years old and in the 4th grade. But middle school is another world. He'll have friends in middle school before he's in middle school himself. I don't want him to be clueless.
"No", I respond, "You can't get pregnant from kissing." I said, "Your private parts have to touch." He said, "WHAT?!!!" I thought, oh geez, I went too far.
He said, "Why in the world would anyone want to do something so gross?" I said, "That's how you have to get a baby." He looked out the window for a moment and then he said, "And you and daddy only did that once right?" I really had to suppress my laughter here.
This talk wasn't working out.
I may have said, "When a man and woman love each other, they get married and they actually do it a lot." He said, "Ok TMI."
I wished I had stopped at eggs and sperm because private parts touching did sound gross.
I went on to explain that the conversation we just had was just between us. It would be inappropriate to discuss it with his friends and it is up to their parents to have the same conversation with them. I added, "Anytime you have anymore questions you can just ask me okay?" He said, "Got it. " Then he mumbled, "I won't be mentioning this again."
So my poor kid learns from me that Santa probably isn't real after he loses a tooth, then finds out that men and women's private parts have to touch in order to have a baby.
While I was on the path of destroying his innocence, I told him that drugs could be disguised as candy.