Beyond the Smile
Me revealing a barely there baby bump in St. Augustine, Florida circa Winter 2002.
For me this is more of a share a photo/share the story that was already written. This was the very first picture I pulled out of a box of miscallaneous photos. Each time I have run across it over the years, I've wanted to throw it away. I wanted to throw away the memory that did not see itself through in the happiest way. But I kept it because I'd written this; the truth beyond the smile.
January 15, 2003
I had a miscarriage on January 2, 2003. I did not expel the fetus until January 5th, so I don’t know which date is official. I can understand now why in few books it is described to a tee what a woman is feeling or going through during the first trimester. All along the way you are wondering if the pregnancy is for real and you do not want to share your fears with anyone because everyone was so thrilled with the news and you don’t want to hear any “concern” in their voices when you explain your fears. It is also a chore to record daily thoughts in a brand new pregnancy journal because “what if you miscarry?” This is exactly what I was going through. I wonder now if a few of my symptoms were more psychological than physical. I rarely had nausea, when I did I simply vomited and felt better. This happened about five times between my sixth and eleventh week. It always made me feel better emotionally because to me this was a sign that I was really pregnant. I miscarried at 11 weeks, just 4 days before my 12-week appointment where my husband and I were going to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. I am kind of glad that it happened before then. It would have been more devastating to go to this appointment that I was so excited for and then have the doctor’s tell me that there was no heartbeat. I had watched my physical changes occur but at times I also had a since of dread that this wasn’t “it” for me. I continued to be positive for everyone. Jay and I had gone to visit his parents and family for Christmas, and everyone was so excited. I just wanted to sleep and pass the time so I could come home and go to my 12-week appointment and know that everything was okay.
This was a Share a Photo/Tell the Story Friday post. It's a new prompt for Week 4 of the newly formatted Finish the Sentence Friday writing community where I'm co-hosting with Kristi Campbell of Finding Ninee.
Join us for next week's FTSF prompt where we will finish the Sentence, "I'm really afraid that/of......"